The Unknowing

pain and surrender

Last week, Palermo Cathedral at dawn.

“We can only be said to be alive in those moments when our hearts are conscious of our treasures.”

— Thornton Wilder

Apologies, my friends, for not posting last week. I almost didn’t post this week either. I’ve been in horrible pain and there is nothing like being in pain to make absolutely everything that is Not Pain pale into insignificance.

The reason, as far as I can tell, is so inane, I am almost too embarrassed to tell you. I wanted to check the weight of my suitcase before travelling. I have one of those weighing scales that you hook around the luggage handle to yank up the suitcase to see its weight. I am appalled to say that I’m so out of shape and I didn’t brace myself before lifting it, so I pulled a muscle in my lower back in the process.

The pain, instead of receding over the coming days, grew worse and worse. I was in Bombay, India and saw a physiotherapist daily for three days. It would get better for a few hours and then lapse again. I went to Dhaka, Bangladesh and saw physiotherapists there for three more days. Much the same.

My cousin Rubaiya injured her wrist at the same time so we made a fine pair with our respective excruciating pain. My doctor in India recommended an Ayurvedic oil to help with my back pain. Rubaiya went on a mission to find it for me in Dhaka, and in the process discovered an Ayurvedic centre in the city, run by a Kerala doctor. (If you’re unfamiliar: Ayurveda is a 5,000-year-old healing system from ancient India that treats all ailments holistically. It’s common enough in contemporary India, especially in the southern state of Kerala, but less so in Bangladesh.) We went together to meet this doctor and, in a few remarkable days, my cousin and I were both largely healed.

I have subsequently been travelling, lugging heavy luggage from Dhaka to Palermo to London, sitting in planes and airports for hours on end, so my pain is back, though more manageable than the initial round.

The thing about pain – well, there are many things about pain:

1. I’ve often said to myself that when I don’t have a toothache, it’s the last thing I think about; but when I do have one, it’s the only thing I think about. So when someone is randomly mean or horrible to me, I tell myself, “they probably have a toothache”. It’s best to not take anyone else’s grouchiness personally, and whatever their hurt is, it’s probably all they can think about. The rest of their world, including me, has receded into the background.