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“I have no advice for anybody; except to, you know, be awake enough to see where you are at any given time, and how that is beautiful, and has poetry inside. Even places you hate.”
— Jeff Buckley
I turn 53 today! 🥳 I thought it a good moment to pause and list some things I’ve learnt:
THE SELF
Whatever it is we loved doing as small children is still the thing that most reliably will make us the happiest.
Cool nonchalance seems seductive but it leaves me cold. Geeky sincerity is so much more joyous.
Whatever it is you’re waiting for to happen – disappointment, injustice, joy, greatness – expect to find it.
Every person we are attracted to is a mirror of who we are at that moment. When the relationship doesn’t work out, I know it’s a good way to investigate what I need to change about myself.
Life wasn’t kind to me when I over-prepared; maybe the universe doesn’t like being monitored, clutched at and double-checked. Now I hold my plans lightly, with a “just in time” mentality – where I trust things to flow in as and when I need them.
The equation I had with my body for most of my life was viewing it as an appendage to my head, which is where I really lived. The way I view things now is that if there’s something I’m not expressing (because – good girl, ignoring signs, discounting myself) then my body will say it for me. I’m learning to pay attention.
Using our hands to make things – whether it’s painting, cooking, gardening, playing the piano, and so on – is what connects us back to ourselves.
You couldn’t pay me enough to go back to being a teenager or in my 20s again. Even my 30s and 40s. I love that we’re always given the chance to do things over, and do them better.
I am hugely considerate towards Future Me – ensuring I don’t run out of essentials, keeping meticulous notes, doing things now instead putting it off. But I want to also be as thoughtful towards Past Me. There are old wounds I could be more sensitive about instead of impatiently telling myself to get over it.
Talking to myself like a stray kitten is my favourite strategy for when I’m feeling lost in life and I don’t know why.
PEOPLE
The people I love the most are the ones who are consistent (i.e. authentic) no matter who they’re dealing with and what situation they’re in.
I don’t fear being alone; I rather adore it. On the contrary, I fear being with someone and feeling lonely.
Having spent 95% of my life being good-girl-polite, I hadn’t realised the gift of radical honesty. It makes life so much simpler if I never bullshit or even tell white lies. No need for interpretation, being passive-aggressive or letting the unspoken churn inside me indefinitely.
My marriage was short-lived, I don’t have kids, I was always moving countries, and I’ve worked all over the place, but the one thing I have always invested in are my friendships. I never fret about making new ones, and I also don’t have any fear of letting go of those that have become toxic. Both happen organically.
Friends who are not really friends: when you have good news to share but are reluctant to tell them because you know they’re going to spiral about how nothing ever works out for them; those who keep bringing up things from 30 years ago that have no relevance now except to remind you that you did stupid shit once; those who judge you for not being married or not having children. Release them.
It’s amazing how well this works: when you need to get something off your chest, write a letter to the person. Revise it, make sure you’ve added all the details including the ridiculously petty. Then tear it up and never send it. They didn’t need to hear it; you did.
If he can’t keep his word with himself, then he can’t keep his word with you. If he can’t show up for himself, he can’t show up for you. If he can’t love himself, he can’t love you.
TRAVEL
When flying on planes, I always wear long sleeves, and carry another layer (like a cashmere poncho). Even in summer.
Low cost airlines: I grudgingly now choose Ryanair over Easyjet. Both have their faults but at least with Ryanair I can change the date and even destination of my ticket. (The worst transit airport is Munich. Avoid at all costs.)
Turkish hammam towels (or their South Asian equivalent, the gamcha) are great for travel, though I use them at home too. They’re full cotton, soft, lightweight, pretty, dry quickly and pack small. I carried one on the Camino and much preferred it to the usual synthetic travel towel.
Due to frequent travels and liquids quotas, I switched to tooth powder nearly 10 years ago. It’s much nicer to use than toothpaste. Health food shops usually stock them. My favourite one seems to be available only in the US. For years, I made my own using extra fine Himalayan pink salt (1 level teaspoon) with baking soda (4 heaped tablespoons) to be mixed and stored in a container; you only need a generous pinch at a time.
Nuxe huile prodigieuse is a great oil. I use it daily even when not travelling for moisturising face and body, de-frizzing hair and, at a pinch for short trips, as makeup remover too.
Whenever I go to London, I go look at the Impressionists’ paintings in rooms 41 to 44 at the National Gallery. Also free and fun to see in London: the man inside the clock outside Paddington Station. And walking from St Paul’s Cathedral (the second largest church dome in the world, after the Vatican) over the Millennium Bridge to Tate Modern.
I use Wise to send money to people around the world, to myself in other countries, to withdraw cash when I’m travelling, for my everyday expenses wherever I am. They go out of their way to say they are not a bank, so they don’t have the same protections (so please do your own due diligence). Fantastic exchange rates, super easy to use, incredible instantaneous customer service – it’s a love brand for me.
HOME
Did you know I’ve just moved to Italy? The first thing I purchased in an otherwise empty apartment was a full-length mirror. It felt very important to see myself in my new abode (also, I can catch myself before going out wearing something funny).
There is nothing more gratifying than doing qigong while looking at the mountains in the distance.
For each gadget, I put the manual and warranty into a plastic sleeve, label it, then keep them together in a folder.
I hope I won’t be like Steve Jobs who sat on the floor for 8 years rather than buy a sofa he didn’t love, but I also don’t want to buy something for the sake of it. I would rather (a) find creative ways to use what I already own, and (b) only buy what I can’t live without. Most of all, I want to avoid pre-emptively purchasing solutions to problems that haven’t occurred yet.
To get remnants of candle wax out of its holder, put it in the freezer overnight. In the morning, a blunt knife helps pop the wax out easily. To get wax off furniture or fabric, put some newspaper over it, then gently run a warm iron until the wax melts into the newspaper. Keep using clean paper until the wax is all gone.
I like Duralex Picardie glasses to serve water, coffee, wine, juice, everything. They’re very European café. The 250ml size in clear, pale rose, or pale blue are my favourites.
After a close friendship ended some years ago, I swore off ever staying in the homes of friends ever again. But I did that four times this year and have been divinely touched by their true hospitality. Being welcomed into someone’s home and being put at ease is the HEIGHT of love. Ro, Janet, Jackie and Alex – I love and treasure you, and will do so forever!
Doing up a new place (like, from scratch! I’ve been living out of a suitcase forever!) is really exciting. This is common advice but I hadn’t really registered it until now: pick 3, 4 or maximum 5 colours, then use the same colours in all of the rooms. (I used to think of rooms individually, and wondered why it didn’t feel cohesive.) I’m going with white (not beige! I hate beige!), natural handmade wood, Mediterranean blue, and vintage matte gold.
SHOPPING
The cost-efficient way of decorating may seem counter-intuitive: I spend less on the big stuff and more on the details. A plain table with a good lamp; a standard desk with a great chair; a simple bed frame with a quality mattress (and sheets – I spend a third of my life in it, after all). I feel the same about fashion/style: a well-made handbag, a favourite piece of jewellery and good shoes elevate a plain dress. I don’t tire of good accessories worn daily.
The more everyday an object, the more I have to love it. This is the reverse of how most people think of their Stuff. We tend to spend more on the “special”. I like my basics to be “special” – because this is what I use all the time. I don’t keep anything extra for big occasions.
I love using Lamy (Joy) fountain pens for my art, but their extra-fine nibs were still not fine enough for me to draw with. Given the vast market, trying out other fountain pens would be an expensive and time-consuming exercise. Instead, I found someone who custom–grinds Lamy nibs and made mine extra extra fine. So, when something is not quite right, I ask myself if I can find the equivalent of “change the nib, keep the Lamy”.
WORK
Don’t accept a role where you’re given responsibility without also getting the authority.
I was given a lot of praise/money/promotions for solving other people’s problems on films. I prided myself on being the person others could rely on to get the job done even though, in reality, I was so stressed I’d collapse at the end of every shoot, get one illness after another, and even had to see a heart specialist. I learnt that though I had trained myself to be good at the role, it wasn’t what made my heart sing. Sometimes the praise/money/promotions can cloud judgment.
When asking people for advice, I remind myself that they don’t have to live with the consequences of what I decide. Now, instead of advice, I gather as much information as possible so as to make the decision for myself.
TIME
No, I haven’t seen the thing that you love most in the world. And I likely won’t. When it comes to time, something has to give. And for me that something is TV shows. Don’t feel sorry for me. I have JOMO.
The time for spoilers is never unless clearly flagged beforehand. Someone somewhere is watching for the first time Citizen Kane, The Godfather and Psycho (three films where people knowingly or unknowingly revealed the endings to me before I watched them – and I still haven’t forgiven them).
There is plenty of time for the things that matter: waking up slowly as the morning sun seeps in; looking at the sky/a tree/plain air and doing nothing else; a full-day hang out with a friend where you lounge about and talk non-stop.
I always hated monsoon season. I felt distressed by the incessant rain, unable to move around freely on foot as I like to. This year, hearing from everyone yet again how it’s their favourite time of year, I finally understood: it’s rich people weather. The temperature drops and the weather turns stormy and grey outside. But if you can stay indoors, huddle under a quilt with a cup of hot tea, then it’s delightful. I’m not sure I’ll ever love it – I do enjoy walking everywhere – but I finally get it. In the West, winter is the time for rest and hibernation; in South Asia, it’s the monsoon season. I’m not meant to be rushing around like I do the rest of the time. This is the season when the earth is telling me: slow down, we’re transitioning, take it easy.
CHANGE
Change seems hard but it’s harder to stay in a rut. Also, waiting to become brave to do new things never works – I only become brave by doing these things, step by tiny step.
Change your energy, change your life. I didn’t understand much about “energy” until I started a Hawaiian practice called Ho’oponopono, after which animals – who had always terrified me – became my new best friends. (I wrote about it briefly here on IG.)
It took a lot for me to leave the film industry after 25 years of working in it. I struggled with letting go of the familiar and starting from scratch in a different field. But I’m not really starting from scratch; even if I’m not producing films any more, I carry the obvious skills of people/project management as well as about 20 non-obvious ones. None of it gets wasted, it still counts.
NEW LIFE IN ITALY
I was startled by Oliver Burkeman’s 4,000 weeks (the length of the average life span) and decided to build a life that I won’t want to retire from. This means: community, making things with my hands and helping others do it too, being close to nature/animals, and living a calm, centred and curious life.
Learning how my corner of Italy functions is an eye-opener. I have generally moved between the cultures of South Asia via Bangladesh and India, and the West via the UK and US (the four countries where I have spent the majority of my life). But Italy functions differently from both. It will take a whole (illustrated) book to explain how my life works here – how it’s based on civility, trust, patience and personal relationships (that book is coming…). Moving my life to Italy will be a lifelong journey of discoveries – not only of this country but of myself.
My brain is not the learning sponge it used to be so it’s interesting becoming a student again at this age (language for now; art school from next year). When I was last in formal education, in my teens and early 20s, I attended university because it was expected of me, and I went through it mostly on auto-pilot. Now, choosing to go back to school, I’m clear about the intention, my focus and my attitude. It feels completely different.
LIFE
“Perfect” is not something to aim for, but “right” is. I spent the last year telling myself I will find my “right home”.
Nothing is all good or all bad. Just knowing that every person, place and option has its pluses and minuses makes me more forgiving and amenable.
I don’t live by other people’s ideas of a good life, or notions of success. It rarely matches mine.
Never blame or shame someone else for your life; not your parents, not your bosses, not your spouse. If you’re an adult, you get to choose how you live now.
About this time last year on my birthday, I decided I’d call 2024 “My Italian Year” so as to keep the focus on figuring out a way to make this decades-long dream come true of moving to Italy. I kept it at the top of my To Do list which I view a dozen times a day, so I read it a gazillion times. There were plenty of obstacles but, well, here I am! So I think the most gratifying thing I have learnt so far is: with clarity, commitment and consistency, anything is possible. Don’t give up those dreams!
**All artwork on this post is done by me!
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As my new life unfolds in Italy, I will write in more detail on Substack. (A huge thank you to all the people who wrote to me after the last post when I finally made the big move!)
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“You are the sky. Everything else – it’s just the weather.”
— Pema Chödrön
Recommendation
Maria Popova wrote this gorgeous piece, A Spell Against Stagnation: John O’Donohue on Beginnings, in The Marginalian.
Happy Happy Birthday to you dear Friend Nupu. I love this list and will revisit it often. And will share it with a few friends!
Happy Birthday! Great list!.